The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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