I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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