Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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