she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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