there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
