I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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