I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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