can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My cat gives me a boner
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She bit a glass in half.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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