I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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