I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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