If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
