he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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