hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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