Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
