i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
