Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
