I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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