I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
