You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
