I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Found the puke drawer
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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