Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
