i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize