I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
