You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize