take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
