you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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