It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
