You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
