Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
