Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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