I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
