Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
