I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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