guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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