Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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