I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
