the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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