Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
