You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
