Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
