Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
