Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
