After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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