Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
