Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
