I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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