I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
