Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
