The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
