i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
