if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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