My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
