i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
