my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
