Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
organizing the empties. That sober.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
