fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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