So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
