dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
